One thing I forgot to mention...When you're going through infertility as a couple, you get a lot of well-meaning but otherwise stupid advice. Things like "Relax, it'll happen when you least expect it." *No, actually, it never did* And my personal favorite, "You know you'll get pregnant the minute you start the adoption process." *As a matter of fact, no I did not*
But perhaps the most disconcerting thing is the general need people have to lay blame at the door of one partner or another...as if they'll be able to fix everything for you if they just know which one has the problem. In point of fact, infertility issues lie exclusively at the woman's door 25% of the time, at the man's 25% and the other 50%of the time it's a combination of both people having trouble with one thing or another.
In our particular case, it was me, me, all about me. I simply never ovulated on my own, or when I did the eggs were "immature" -- meaning not capable of sustaining a viable pregnancy. I was always very up front about this, particularly with friends and family (one of whom responded, "Oh! So it's your fault." If you're ever in a similar situation, DO NOT say anything remotely as insensitive). For the oddball acquaintance who asked such an impertinent question, I just perfected a withering stare and left them to wonder.
What I didn't realize until much later is that my sweet husband, because he loves me and wanted to at least deflect some of the heat, told everyone that would listen that half the "blame" could be laid at his doorstep. He even had my best friend convinced. I don't know if anyone who hasn't been in this situation can appreciate how much that meant to me at the time, and even now so long after the fact. But trust me, he could be a real jerk for a LOT of years before he burns up all the credit he has with me.
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2 comments:
I haven't been in that situation, but I think I can appreciate it. That is a wonderful man.
Oh wow. I really got this stuff. I'm fairly open about our situation, because that's just who I am and honestly, the price I pay for that sometimes is pretty high. The complete shit people think it's ok to say, even people who know us well and care for us. Sometimes it's just ignorance, sometimes it's an unwillingness to grapple with the issue but God it's awful. You try so hard not to take it to heart. Latest example was yesterday. I told a woman we know relatively well that our treatment had started and she said, 'well my boss has been through it loads of times so don't expect it to work.'
Um. Yeah. Thanks. I know she was trying say, 'don't get your hopes up' but seriously, could you be a little less blunt about it?
I will still continue to be open when I want to though.
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