Please Feed the Monkeys

Remember when we were kids and you could feed the monkeys popcorn, peanuts and your leftover hot dog? Pretty much anything went in those days and anyone showing up at the zoo could expect to share a meal with an exotic creature before going home. Those days may be long gone at the local zoo, but are happily alive and well at my house. Should you happen to drop by during feeding time (and I have no intention of broadcasting when that might be, lest you all start trying to avoid it) you can look forward to a chance at feeding one of four lively monkeys currently in residence. Don’t try protesting that baby food makes you gag. Baby food makes anyone over 12 months old violently ill. And if I can do it day in and day out, you can suffer through it at least once per visit.

The biggest monkey has a fairly undiscerning palate and will take a shot at most foods -- without much preference for color, taste or texture. This is probably why most anyone who has ventured into the playroom more than once almost immediately calls dibs on Big Monkey if it looks like a feeding is about to take place. He’s so easy to please that he was the only one who ate all the Beech Nut discontinued flavors I found on closeout at Publix. Before you start sending me hate mail, they weren’t old or filled with botulism...just flavors that were being discontinued because of a decided lag in popularity. Judging by the fact that the other two monkeys gagged and cried when I tried to make them eat it, I would have to say Beech Nut made a good business decision there. All in all, Big Monkey is a great choice if you’re new to the zoo and want to start slowly.

Bouncy Monkey, pictured above happily wearing most of his dinner, is a bit trickier and -- I must confess -- is consistently avoided by his Big Ape daddy who says a moving target with its tongue stuck out is too much for anyone to handle. On the upside, Bouncy Monkey will eat most foods offered. Also, if you pop in a Baby Einstein DVD it will distract Bouncy Monkey long enough for you to shove the majority of his food in before he resumes his impression of a rocking horse on amphetamines. Should you arrive at mealtime and find that Big Monkey has already been claimed, Bouncy Monkey is a good second choice.

Finally comes Picky Monkey. Picky Monkey finds meal times to be a little unsettling, and should you find yourself paired with Picky Monkey on your first visit, you might decide they’re downright traumatic. In addition to having issues with taste, texture and color (sweet foods only, no chunks and nothing green), Picky Monkey needs a calm, relaxing environment in order to maintain an even temperament during meals. This is why it is critical never to let Picky Monkey sit by Big Monkey at feeding time. As I mentioned before, Big Monkey has an almost evangelical zeal for his food. Sometimes he just gets so happy, he has to shout a “Hallelujah!” over his sweet potatoes, or a big fat “Amen!” after his strained ham. He doesn’t mean anything by it. He’s just feeling good about being fed. Unfortunately, these random bouts of screeching tend to push Picky Monkey right off the deep end resulting in him crying hysterically while staring at Big Monkey like he’s the devil. At this point you have to halt the feeding process entirely and reassure Picky Monkey that Big Monkey is NOT the devil, and that no one is mad, and that no one is going to scream again, and would he please for the love of God eat his sweet, orange, not-in-the-least-bit-chunky food before we all die of old age.

Oh! I almost forgot about Cheeky Monkey!! Cheeky Monkey being a whopping two-and-a-half years old is in a much different league than his brothers. Before even trying to feed Big, Bouncy or Picky, you have to spend at least 20 minutes begging Cheeky Monkey to eat the turkey sandwich, cheese stick, chips and fruit cup you’ve prepared for him. The few bites you manage to coax him into will be thoroughly chewed, then spit back onto his Backyardigans plate that you naively thought would make him want to eat more. After you give up and move on to the Monkey triumvirate, Cheeky Monkey will experience a sudden surge in appetite forcing him to eat YOUR turkey sandwich, cheese stick, chips and fruit cup while you’re not looking. And that’s if you’re LUCKY. We won’t even discuss how he can put things in his mouth and return them to your plate seemingly as good as new -- leaving you to wonder if that chip you just put in your mouth was soggy from the leaky fruit cup or for some other, much more disgusting reason.

Now that you have some idea of what awaits you, we’re all looking forward to seeing you down here at the zoo. Remember, admission is free! So come on in and bring your friends!