S.O.S.

If you're reading this message, drop your mouse and SEND HELP! I've been marooned here for over 4 months now. The natives are a comely people...smiling and dimpled with soft apple cheeks. But don't be fooled. They're cunning and highly skilled in the most diabolical forms of torture. They began with sleep deprivation -- which, in hindsight, seems tame -- but have quickly moved on to far more effective means. A variant on water torture involves covering me from head to toe in regurgitated formula. They elude all my defenses -- burp cloths and lap pads are useless against the onslaught. Next comes sensory deprivation through constant screaming -- effectively preventing me from reading, watching television, talking on the phone or stringing together a coherent thought. The cruelty is inhuman. It is now evident that the screaming was simply a precursor to their sprouting tiny, but incredibly sharp teeth. Coupled with their incessant drooling, I grow more certain each day that they plan to eat me.

I am not sure what I hope you, dear reader, can accomplish in light of their superior intellect and highly evolved defense mechanisms. Perhaps an e-mail, a kind word of encouragement...or muzzles. Muzzles would be good, too.

Yours most sincerely,

The Castaway