Retro No No

This evening, Jason and I were fortunate enough to have a night on the town with friends. My friend, Jennifer, and I had set the date a month in advance as we both had to be sure a sitter was firmly in place before we could commit. Gone are the days of spontaneity. After our usual sitter scare (one double-booked our date, but thankfully another stepped into the fray), we were happily seated at Bottega Cafe looking forward to a nice meal and a chance to talk about something besides our children (of course we then proceeded to talk about our children for the next hour, but none of us seemed to mind).

As the "Holy cow! I'm actually out of the house!" euphoria began to subside, I was finally able to take note of my surroundings and do a little people watching. And what I saw was truly unsettling. I realize I've been out of the social scene for a while, and my fashion savvy has suffered accordingly. However, I always felt confident that of all the fashion disasters of decades past, we could at least be sure that 80's wear was dead and buried. So I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw belted sweaters that could double as mini-dresses, leggings, and stove-pipe pants so slim you have to have zippers at the ankles to get your feet in and out of them -- they were everywhere I looked. Fat, slim, tall, short -- if they were young and single, retro was the look for them. I understand the pressure -- I can remember being 11 years old and lusting after a pair of acid wash Guess jeans that I would most certainly have paired with a long belted sweater and a pair of high heels... right after I finished ice skating in Hell. My mom had very definite ideas about fashion. But the urge to fit in and go with the flow was strong nevertheless. Yet in the great span of years between then and now, I've learned one very important fact -- NO ONE has an ass small enough to wear this stuff and look good. Take it from the queen of camouflage, nothing can suck out your self-esteem faster than a pencil-legged pant -- except maybe shoulder pads. Put both together with a peep toe pump and you have the Bermuda Triangle of fashion.

Sure, you may think you're channeling Audrey Hepburn with your tights and your ballet flats, but I warn you...those are gateway clothes. Next you'll find yourself sneaking into the changing room at Parisian to try on a pair of skinny jeans "just to see what everyone's talking about". After that it's just a short ride on to belted sweaters -- and you'll think you can quit wearing them any time you want. But before long, you're wearing them every day. After that my friend, when the sales clerk offers you a jacket with the shoulder pads of an NFL linebacker, you won't even think twice because THAT'S how far you've fallen. What a waste.

Stop the madness before it starts. Boycott the skinny jean! Just say no to the belted sweater! Do it for all of us who have been down that dark road and have the embarrassing family photos to prove it. If nothing else I've written has struck fear into your poor, misguided heart then let me add this....LEG WARMERS. They're just around the corner and you are totally asking for it.