Top Ten Things Motherhood Has Taught Me

10. No toy, no matter its price or popularity, is as much fun as the box it came in.
9. Males think farts are funny from the cradle to the grave.
8. Despite the noxious cloud wafting from your toddler's diaper, wait at least 3 minutes from the moment of discovery before changing him/her. You'll save yourself a diaper and only activate your gag reflex once.
7. "Faking it" means pretending to be asleep long enough for your spouse to give in and get out of bed when your child cries in the night.
6. After parenthood, "Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll" translates to "Sleep, Chocolate and Raffi". There's nothing like dropping some Godiva, kicking back to Wheels on the Bus and just watching the walls drip.
5. Moisturize. The boobs are transient, but the stretch marks last forever.
4. A real friend asks how you're doing, then acts as if your hour long soliloquy on sleep deprivation, leaking breasts and sagging skin is completely normal -- Then she goes the extra mile by assuring you she was even more disgusting after her last pregnancy.
3. Call your own mother more than you think is really necessary. Someday you'll be the one waiting for the phone to ring.
2. Take lots of pictures and write down everything your kids say. It all goes so fast, and every reminder of these incredible days is precious.
1. Treat your spouse with love and respect. Your children are younger, smarter and faster; therefore, you need each other to survive. And growing old with someone who still sees you as the sexy, young thing they fell in love with is one of the greatest treasures you'll ever find.