Letters to my Boys

Dear Tommy,

You are such an unexpected joy. You were never the baby in the middle, you were always my big Tom. When they had to rig your incubator up especially to keep you from rolling over at 2 days old, I wasn't surprised. You were my big, strong Tom...just like I knew you'd be. What I didn't know was how much you'd love to sing The Itsy Bitsy spider with perfect hand gestures before you could talk. Or that you'd spend each day laughing and dancing and reading as many books as you could find. I had no idea you'd want to take my hand long after you learned to walk alone just because you like the feel of my fingers in yours. Or that there'd come a time when I would cry because you felt so big in my arms when I rocked you. I know mothers aren't supposed to have favorites, but I'll tell you a secret, my big, squishy teddy bear -- You're mine.

Dear Will,

You are rotten. To the core. I don't know how it happened because Lord knows I haven't had time to spoil you with everyone else to take care of, but it is true. You're a terror. And you smile while you're doing whatever it is you're not supposed to and point at me and say "Don't!" when I try to make you stop. I have no idea what to do with you and I love you to distraction. You never miss a chance to laugh and create opportunities for giggling whenever possible. You body may be small but your spirit is gigantic. You are a force to be reckoned with, and I hope you never chnge. Don't ever tell your brothers, but you -- with your sparkling eyes and devilish grin -- are my favorite.

Dear Sam,

My little wallflower. You came into this world with eyes wide open, assessing us all. For a while I wasn't sure if you were going to warm up to us, but I'm happy to say you decided you'd keep us. And from the first time you blessed me with that slow, shy smile I've been wrapped tight around your finger. I have to believe the feel of your arms around my neck is God's way of showing me how wonderful heaven must be. I love to hear you sing your ABC's. You may not know the letters, but your rhythm is great. Maybe that's why you're such a good drummer, too. You manage to be aloof while wearing your heart on your sleeve. And I ache for all the hurts that tender heart has yet to feel. But you have your silly side, too. When I heard that throaty laugh of yours for the first time, it made me feel like I'd won the lottery. And when you drop and pretend you're asleep in your crib just so I'll tickle you awake, you make me feel happy all the way to my toes. Your love is more special for being hard won. I love your independent mind, your spirit of adventure and the feel of your breath on my hair. I love everything about you and can't help but think of you as my favorite.

Dear Jack,

My first-born son. I loved you before you even came to be. I loved the idea of you. I wanted you more than anyone has ever wanted anything. And when you finally became a reality it was almost more than my heart could hold. I cried at your first cry. I stayed awake to listen to you breathe. I hovered when you wanted to be alone and held tight when you were ready for me to let go. You taught me that a good mother lets you fall (but not too hard) so you learn caution. A good mother lets you climb a little too high so you know what it is to feel both brave and scared -- because generally the two go hand in hand even when you're a grown-up. And a good mother tells you the truth when a pet dies so you know that life is precious and should be enjoyed while we have it. I learn from you every day. I'm sorry you had to be the guinea pig in our family experiment. I feel bad that oftentimes I had to do it wrong with you in order to get it right for your brothers. You and I soldier along together as you make your way to adulthood, but you'll always be my precious darling boy. And don't ever forget that you hold a completely unique place in my heart and will forever be my favorite.